What do I do now?

There are circumstances in life that turn our world upside down.  Things that we never saw coming and leave us wondering how we will ever make it through. If you live long enough, you will experience these moments.  Life is full of ups and downs.  The loss of a job, health diagnosis, divorce, death of a loved one. It is in these moments of life where we can either grow better from it or grow bitter. The following is a story of the day I came my closest to death and the healing that followed.

On the morning of September 27, 2022, I was preparing for my one-week post-op visit with my orthopedic surgeon.  I had cervical disk replacement surgery one week prior. I was looking forward to my check-up because I had noticed some definite swelling at the front of my throat.

I have experienced a lot in this life. The death of family members and friends, a serious car accident as a child that I walked away from, opening my car door while riding down the highway in a moment of deep depression, a thief stealing my mother’s purse one night while my baby brother and I were in the car alone.  I believe God was with me in each of these and other moments when I was young, just as He carried me through this day.

The surgery itself went very well.  I felt good and had no complications, except for one that wasn’t known until it was too late.  About three days after surgery, I noticed some swelling in my throat. I kept in touch with my doctor’s office.  There didn’t seem to be anything to be concerned about, so I was comfortable with waiting until my post-op visit so the doctor could take a look.  The night before my appointment, my incision began weeping.  We thought it was odd, so I called the doctor. It was late in the day, so the nurse said to keep it bandaged and they would check it out in the morning. 

As I was getting ready for my appointment, I felt a pop in my throat and a release of pressure.  Then I saw the blood.  It was bleeding heavily so I grabbed a towel.  It was then that I realized that the swelling in my throat was actually a large hematoma that had formed from a small vein bleed over several days. I had to get help and there was no time to waste.

One of my daughters had stayed overnight since I needed a driver to my appointment. I told her, “Grab the baby and head to the car.  We have a problem”.  As she raced me to a free-standing ER near us, my throat and airway began narrowing.  Speaking was difficult to the point that I sounded like I was being strangled.  I actually was.  When the hematoma ruptured, smaller blood clots were forming and pressing against my airway.

As soon as I arrived at the ER, I was wheeled back immediately. There were many attempts to intubate me, but all efforts were impossible because of the swelling. They attempted to open my incision in my throat, but my surgeon had used surgical glue to seal the incision. The only other option they had in trying to clear out blood clots was to use surgical scissors to open up the area.  Through all of this I was completely awake and aware.  And strangely calm.

After an hour or more of failed attempts to clear my airway, my situation was very dire. To put things into perspective regarding how serious my situation indeed was, I heard it mentioned that they were trying to locate a Life Saver helicopter that was available to fly me from the freestanding ER to the main hospital that was only about 5 miles down the highway. I needed an airway team and in a hurry.

My husband, who is a nurse at our local hospital, received the call from our daughter, and immediately headed our way.  But when she called him back to let him know that a helicopter had been obtained and I was being flown in, he headed back to the hospital. He was waiting for me on the helipad, helped off-load me from the helicopter and led my stretcher into the ER where a large medical team awaited me. There was also a host of medical family to stand with my husband as he helplessly watched everything unfold.

I’ve never really thought much about what I would do when faced with death or if I would have time to think or feel anything. What would be my mindset? Would I be afraid? I knew things weren’t great, but I had this crazy peace.  I wasn’t fearful. As a matter of fact, I was determined to keep my head and stay calm. In the condition I was in, panicking would have been the last thing I needed with a compromised airway.

I was moved to a table under bright lights. A mask was placed over my face as I began to lay back.  I closed my eyes and in the darkness I prayed, “Help me God. I have believed in your Son, Jesus Christ, as my Lord and Savior. If you are taking me now, I’m ready”.  I prayed for help, but I didn’t know if I would wake up here on Earth and wanted to restate the condition of my soul to my Creator. It was literally the only thing on my mind in that moment. I don’t know exactly how close I was to dying, but I do know that no one in that room thought I would make it out alive.

I had just enough time to pray that prayer before I was out from the anesthesia. I woke up hours later in the ICU with my husband and three daughters around me. I would learn that the airway team was not able to intubate me and that an emergent tracheostomy was necessary.  A young doctor had stepped forward and quickly performed a Cricothyrotomy.  She was introduced to me a couple of days after the procedure. I cried as I took her hand and mouthed, “thank you”.  This young woman stepped forward and performed this dangerous procedure in an effort to save my life.  I’m so thankful for her.

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To help explain that procedure, I did a little research.  I’ve never done this before but plugging in the details of my situation in ChapGPT, here’s what it says: “An emergency cricothyrotomy (often just called a "CRIC") is a life-saving procedure performed when a patient has a severely obstructed airway and intubation is impossible or has failed. It provides a direct airway by creating an opening through the skin and cricothyroid membrane into the trachea.”  

The National Library of Medicine says: “An emergency cricothyrotomy is the last-resort in most airway management protocols and is performed when it is not possible to intubate or ventilate a patient. This situation can rapidly prove fatal, making it important to identify the best method to establish a secure airway.”

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Other research I came across detailed the statistics of those who survive the actual CRIC procedure but later died due to infection and complications associated with the procedure. The more I have researched, the more I understand why people walk up to me even now and tell me what a miracle I experienced. I knew God did something amazing for me, but seeing the odds in print is overwhelming.

For the first few days, I couldn’t speak at all, so paper and pen were my means of communicating unless good lip readers were nearby. After 3 days in ICU on a vent, another day or two in a step-down unit and additional surgeries, I was sent home to recover. 

I had been home about two days when things took another bad turn. I felt awful and was very weak. I began running a fever, so my husband took me in to be evaluated. A nurse decided to culture drainage from around my trach. It came back positive for MRSA. This was more than likely due to the emergent procedure to obtain an airway for me, as well as the numerous attempts to clear blood clots from my neck while in the ER. I was readmitted to the hospital where I was given heavy doses of antibiotics to combat this serious infection. It would take another week for my body to finally clear the infection so that I could again be discharged to recover at home.

There are moments from this event that stick out in my mind very vividly. The most vivid is the moment when I didn’t know if I would wake up, but the next is late one night as I was lying in bed, praying that my lab results would be clear of the infection. I had the tv on in my room. I can’t remember what program it was, but CeCe Winans was singing “The Goodness of God”. What joy filled my heart! I was so very grateful that God had spared my life, so my praise flowed from my heart and my eyes. I couldn’t speak or sing, but my soul praised Him like never before. It was a beautiful moment I will never forget. That song has carried me through some very low points over the past two years as my recovery has been difficult. I have vocal limitations, the most prominent being that I suffered nerve damage to my vocal cords which has taken away my ability to sing as I once did. My range is now very low and very limited to the point that I can’t sing most songs. This was a hard reality to walk through, but God has been so faithful and is replacing what has been lost. He has borne within my heart and soul new ways to serve Him with my life.  This blog being a big part of that.

All of my life, I have been a singer.  I’ve had some amazing opportunities in music and memories that I will always cherish.  But after about a year and a half of vocal therapy in an effort to strengthen the nerves that were severed, it became evident that my Superior Laryngeal Nerve, or SLN, had suffered irreparable damage.  To most people, damage to this nerve is not very noticeable, but to a singer, it’s devastating.  It’s purpose is to allow the vocal cords to stretch and expand allowing the voice to extend up the musical scale. Since I have used my voice to minister to others and praise my God, I struggled with where I fit in now.  Anyone who has known me for years knew me as a singer. That’s what I identified as.  I was now in place a searching and asking God, “what do I do now?”. My whole life has been centered around a talent that I no longer have.  I felt lost.

Over time, my voice has improved to the point that I’m able to sing a few (very low) notes so that I can sing harmony with our worship team at church.  I’m so very thankful for this blessing. I thought that my voice would be completely taken away, but God has smiled on me and has given a bit of my voice back.  I now work to encourage young women who now sing the songs I once sang and enjoy watching them grow in their talent.

What about you? Has your world been flipped upside down?  Do you wonder where you fit in?  What your purpose is now? I always figured that I would have to stop singing publicly when I got older but never imagined losing the ability.  Life can change on a dime. It’s what we do in those moments. It’s how we handle them and who we turn to. I realize that some who read my blogs may not have a relationship with Jesus Christ, but I will say that I fully believe that I would not have been able to make it through these past two and a half years without Him. If you’ve read my other blog posts, I hope it’s evident that I couldn’t have survived my whole life without Him. When our world is turned upside down, He is the only peace and comfort to be found.  He brings hope and will carry us through the messiness of life while building a strength within us that can be built in no other way.

Everything I have been through in this life has strengthened me and has given me a story to tell to encourage others. Had God not spared my life on September 27, 2022, I would not be here to tell you my stories of hope and share with you how I was able to survive everything that life has thrown my way with God's help and guidance.

My heart’s desire is to let you know that you’re not alone. No matter what you have been through, you are loved.  You are important.  You matter……and you have purpose. Reach out to me. I would love to pray for you! I would also love to know if these blogs are encouraging you in any way.

God bless and thank you for being here!